Attachment Styles: How Childhood Shapes Adult Relationships
- Redwood Psychology Team
- Nov 24, 2025
- 19 min read
Key Takeaways
Early caregiving experiences shape our attachment styles, which then influence how we love, argue, and connect in adult relationships—from romantic partnerships to friendships and even workplace dynamics.
Four core attachment styles typically emerge from childhood: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised. Each shows up in predictable patterns, such as panic when a partner doesn’t reply, shutting down during conflict, or swinging between clinginess and distancing.
Insecure attachment is common (affecting roughly 40-50% of adults) but not permanent. Through self-awareness, healthy relationships, and therapy, people can gradually move toward more secure attachment.
Signs of insecure attachment include constant reassurance-seeking, difficulty trusting partners, emotional numbness during important conversations, or intense fear when relationships deepen.
If these patterns cause ongoing distress, seeking support from a therapist—whether through individual therapy sessions, couples therapy, or family work—can help you understand and shift these deeply rooted patterns.
What Are Attachment Styles? (And Why They Matter in Adult Relationships)
Think about the last time you sent a message to someone important and they didn’t reply for hours. Did you feel mildly curious, intensely anxious, or completely unbothered? The answer likely reveals something about your attachment style.
Attachment styles function as relationship blueprints—internal maps that guide how we text, argue, commit, and seek comfort in our romantic relationships, friendships, and even professional connections. These patterns develop primarily in early childhood, shaped by how our primary caregiver responded to our needs for safety, protection, and emotional connection.
Attachment theory, pioneered by British psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s through 1980s, proposed that human beings are evolutionarily wired to seek proximity to caregivers for survival. Bowlby believed that these early bonds create “internal working models”—implicit beliefs about whether we’re worthy of love and whether others can be trusted.
His colleague Mary Ainsworth expanded this work through her famous strange situation experiments in the late 1960s and 1970s, observing how infants responded to brief separations from their mothers.
While attachment begins in childhood, it doesn’t stop there. Subsequent research has shown that our attachment patterns continue to be shaped by later experiences—a supportive partner, a painful divorce, migration stress, workplace bullying, or profound friendships. These experiences can either reinforce early patterns or gradually shift them.
What makes this so important? Adult attachment styles are strongly linked to mental health outcomes. Insecure attachment correlates with higher rates of anxiety, depression, and difficulty regulating emotions. It affects how we handle conflict, whether we can maintain emotional intimacy, and our capacity for mutual trust in lasting relationships.
How Childhood Experiences Shape Adult Relationship Patterns
Internal Working Models
At the heart of attachment are what researchers call “internal working models”—the implicit beliefs we carry about ourselves and others. These form two core questions we unconsciously answer based on early experiences:
About ourselves: “Am I worthy of love and care?”
About others: “Can I depend on people when I’m stressed or vulnerable?”
The answers we internalise shape how we approach every significant relationship in life.
Common Childhood Scenarios That Shape Attachment
Consider these examples that commonly influence a child’s attachment:
Childhood Experience | Potential Adult Pattern |
Consistent warmth and responsiveness | Feeling safe to be vulnerable; trusting partners |
Frequent criticism or unpredictable availability | Hypervigilance about rejection; reassurance-seeking |
Emotional distance; praise only for achievements | Discomfort with closeness; over-reliance on self |
Frightening or abusive caregiving | Conflicted longing for and fear of intimacy |
Cultural Influences in Singapore and Asia
In Singapore and across Asian cultures, certain messages can unintentionally reinforce insecure attachment patterns: “Don’t be so sensitive,” emphasis on academic performance over emotional expression, or the pressure to avoid “losing face.”
A child who learns that their feelings are inconvenient may grow into an adult who struggles to identify or express emotional needs.
Amir's Story: How Early Patterns Show Up Later
Amir, 35, grew up learning that staying quiet was the safest strategy. His father’s temper was unpredictable—some days warm, other days explosive over minor issues. As a child, Amir learned to read the room carefully and make himself small.
Now, in his marriage, Amir shuts down whenever his wife raises concerns. He physically leaves the room during arguments, leaving her feeling abandoned and confused. He isn’t trying to hurt her—he’s running the same survival programme that protected him as a child.
In therapy, Amir is learning that his wife’s frustration isn’t the same as his father’s rage, and that staying present during discomfort is something he can build capacity for.
This is how early experiences become adult relationship dynamics. The strategies that once protected us can become the very patterns that push adult partners away.
The Four Main Attachment Styles in Adults
Most researchers working with attachment theory describe four adult attachment styles:
Secure attachment
Anxious attachment (sometimes called anxious-preoccupied or ambivalent attachment)
Avoidant attachment (sometimes called dismissive attachment style or dismissive-avoidant)
Disorganized attachment (sometimes called fearful avoidant)
These are broad patterns, not rigid boxes. People can shift over time and may show different attachment styles with different partners. You might feel relatively secure with close friendships but become intensely anxious in romantic relationships, or feel avoidant at work but more open at home.
As you read the following sections, use them as a reflection tool rather than a diagnosis. If you recognise insecure traits in yourself, approach that recognition with self-compassion. Your attachment style developed as an adaptation to your environment—it’s not a character flaw.
The encouraging news from extensive research is that therapy and healing relationships can guide people from anxious, avoidant, or disorganized patterns toward greater attachment security.
Anxious / Preoccupied Attachment: “I’m Afraid You’ll Leave Me”
What It Looks Like
People with an anxious attachment style tend to experience:
Intense fear of abandonment
Constant worry about their partner’s feelings toward them
High need for reassurance
Overthinking messages, tone, and small behavioural changes
Difficulty focusing on anything else when there’s relationship tension
Roughly 20% of adults show anxious attachment patterns, according to meta-analyses of attachment studies.
Common Childhood Roots
Anxious attachment often develops from inconsistent caregiving. Perhaps a parent was sometimes warm and available, other times distracted, depressed, or overwhelmed. The child learns that love is real but unreliable—they must work hard to secure it.
Some caregivers use withdrawal of affection as discipline, teaching children that connection is conditional and can be taken away.
How It Shows Up in Adult Life
In adult relationships, the anxious attachment style often looks like:
Panic when messages are left on “read”
Difficulty concentrating at work until a conflict is “fixed”
Reading too much into small changes in partner’s behaviour
Struggling to be alone or enjoy solitude
Seeking constant validation that the relationship is okay
Shalini’s Story
Shalini, 29, grew up with a loving mother who frequently travelled for work. As a child, Shalini never knew when her mother would be home or for how long. She learned to treasure every moment together while dreading the next departure.
Now, when her partner goes silent for a few hours—even just busy at work—Shalini feels a familiar wave of panic. She might send multiple messages, check social media for signs of activity, and create catastrophic stories about what the silence means. Her partner finds this exhausting, which only confirms Shalini’s fear that she’s “too much.”
Practical Tips for Anxious Attachment
If you recognise this pattern in yourself, try these strategies:
Practice grounding during texting anxiety: Before sending a follow-up message, try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: notice 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste.
Set boundaries around reassurance-seeking: Challenge yourself to wait 30 minutes before asking “Are we okay?”
Journal your triggers: Write down what happened, what you thought, what you felt, and what you did. Over time, patterns become clearer.
Practice self-soothing before reaching out: Build your capacity to comfort yourself rather than immediately seeking external validation.
Attachment-focused therapy or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help anxious adults build a stronger internal sense of safety. Research shows that EFT yields 70-75% shifts toward secure attachment in 12-20 sessions—helping reduce the clinginess that often inadvertently pushes partners away.
Avoidant / Dismissive Attachment: “I’m Safer On My Own”
What It Looks Like
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to:
Value independence over closeness
Feel discomfort with emotional conversations
Minimise their own needs and others’ emotional expressions
Feel “trapped” or suffocated when partners seek more connection
Pride themselves on self-reliance
About 25% of adults show avoidant attachment patterns.
Common Childhood Roots
Avoidant attachment typically develops when caregivers are emotionally distant, very busy, or uncomfortable with emotional expression. Children in these environments often receive praise for not “making a fuss” and may be shamed or ignored when they show vulnerability.
They learn that needing others leads to disappointment, so self-reliance becomes a survival strategy.
How It Shows Up in Adult Life
The dismissive attachment style often appears as:
Keeping romantic partners at arm’s length
Focusing heavily on work, hobbies, or other distractions
Withdrawing or “stonewalling” during conflict
Ending relationships when they start feeling “too serious”
Describing themselves as “not the emotional type”
Research links avoidant attachment to the loneliness epidemic—30-40% of adults report chronic solitude, with many showing avoidant patterns that make deep connection feel threatening rather than nourishing.
Wei Ling’s Experience
Wei Ling, 42, grew up in a high-achieving family where emotions were considered distractions. Her parents showed love through providing—good schools, enrichment classes, material comfort. Tears were met with “What’s there to cry about?”
Now a senior executive, Wei Ling is competent and respected at work. But at home, she feels suffocated when her husband asks for more emotional sharing. “Why do we need to talk about feelings?” she asks. She genuinely doesn’t understand what he’s looking for. In therapy, Wei Ling is learning that her discomfort with intimacy isn’t a preference—it’s a protective wall that also keeps out the connection she secretly craves.
Practical Tips for Avoidant Attachment
If you recognise this pattern, consider these steps:
Practice naming feelings in simple language: Start basic: “I feel tired,” “I feel overwhelmed,” “I feel calm.” Build your emotional vocabulary gradually.
Experiment with small, safe acts of dependence: Ask someone for help with a minor task. Notice what comes up.
Challenge beliefs like “needing others is weak:” Consider: what if interdependence is actually a sign of strength and human design?
Stay a few minutes longer: When you feel the urge to leave a difficult conversation, try staying just 2-3 minutes more than your comfort zone allows.
Therapy can feel exposing for avoidantly attached people—the very closeness that heals can initially feel threatening. A skilled therapist will pace the work carefully, modelling that emotional connection doesn’t have to mean control or loss of freedom.
Disorganised / Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: “Come Close… But Don’t Hurt Me”
What It Looks Like
Disorganized attachment is sometimes called fearful avoidant because it contains elements of both anxious and avoidant patterns:
Craving closeness yet feeling terrified of intimacy
Swinging between pursuit and withdrawal
Unpredictable behaviour in relationships
Difficulty trusting even consistently kind partners
Intense, fast-moving relationships that often end abruptly
About 15% of adults show disorganized attachment, and it’s strongly linked to early trauma.
Common Childhood Roots
Disorganized attachment typically develops when the attachment figure who should provide a safe haven is also a source of fear. This might include:
Domestic violence in the home
A parent with substance misuse issues
Emotional or physical abuse
A caregiver who was themselves highly traumatised
Frightening or frightened parental behaviour
The child faces an impossible dilemma: the person they need to seek comfort from is also the person they need to escape. This creates conflicted internal models where closeness means both safety and danger.
How It Shows Up in Adult Life
Adults with disorganized attachment often experience:
Intense, passionate relationships that move quickly
Sudden cut-offs or “ghosting” after feeling triggered
Repeated cycles of breakup and reconciliation
Difficulty trusting partners even when they’re consistently caring
Feeling both desperate for and terrified of emotional intimacy
Darren’s Story
Darren, 38, grew up with a father who could be warm and playful one moment, harsh and raging the next. As a child, Darren never knew which father he would get. He learned to crave the tender moments while bracing for the storms.
In adult relationships, Darren finds himself both longing for and distrusting intimacy. When things go well, he feels anxious—waiting for the other shoe to drop. When a partner gets too close, he sabotages: picking fights, withdrawing, or finding flaws that justify leaving.
He’s been through several intense relationships that follow the same cycle. In therapy, Darren is learning to recognise when his nervous system is responding to the past rather than the present.
Practical Tips for Disorganized Attachment
If you recognise this pattern, try these approaches:
Slow down relationship pacing: Resist the urge to move quickly in new relationships. Allow trust to build gradually.
Learn body-based regulation skills: Breathing exercises, movement, and sensory grounding can help regulate your nervous system when you feel overwhelmed.
Build safety with trusted friends first: Practice connection in lower-stakes relationships before tackling romantic intimacy.
Prioritise physical and emotional safety: If you find yourself in relationships with abuse dynamics, seek support immediately.
Disorganised attachment is strongly linked with trauma. If this resonates with you, trauma-informed therapy (such as EMDR, somatic approaches, or trauma-focused CBT) can be particularly helpful. Healing is possible even after severe early instability—but it often requires professional support to provide support that goes deep enough.
Secure Attachment: “We’re Okay, Even When We Disagree”
What It Looks Like
Securely attached adults generally show:
Comfort with both closeness and independence
Ability to express needs and set boundaries
Generally stable self-esteem that doesn’t depend entirely on the relationship
Trust that conflicts can be repaired
Seeking social support when distressed without shame
About 50-60% of adults show secure attachment patterns, according to population studies.
Common Childhood Roots
Secure attachment typically develops when caregivers are “good enough”—not perfect, but generally responsive, emotionally available, and reliable. Crucially, securely attached children experience repair after rupture: when misattunements happen (as they inevitably do), caregivers acknowledge the hurt, apologise, and reconnect.
How It Shows Up in Adult Life
In intimate relationships and close relationships more broadly, secure attachment looks like:
Handling disagreements without threats of breakup or withdrawal
Feeling generally safe in relationships
Expressing vulnerability without excessive fear
Offering and receiving support comfortably
Maintaining identity while being part of a couple
Research consistently shows that securely attached individuals report higher relationship satisfaction, better conflict resolution, and lower divorce rates among married couples.
An Important Note
If you’ve been reading with growing recognition of insecure patterns in yourself, here’s the crucial point: secure attachment is not a fixed personality type—it’s a direction of growth.
Bowlby’s work and subsequent research show that people can develop what’s called “earned secure” attachment through:
Healing relationships (romantic partners, close friends, mentors)
Effective therapy
Self-reflection and intentional practice
Attachment security is something that can be built, not just something you’re born with or without.
How Childhood Shows Up in Adult Love
The following stories are anonymised composites based on common themes seen in therapy—not actual individuals. They illustrate how attachment patterns move from child’s life experiences into adult relationship dynamics.
Mei Lin: The Panic When He Seems Distant
Mei Lin, 32, was raised by loving but anxious parents in Singapore who frequently warned her about “not being left behind” academically and socially. Their anxiety was well-intentioned—they wanted her to succeed. But Mei Lin absorbed the message that she must constantly prove her worth to be valued.
Now, when her partner seems even slightly distant—checking his phone during dinner, seeming tired, taking longer to reply—Mei Lin feels visibly upset and panicked. She might ask multiple times, “Are you angry with me?” Her partner’s reassurance helps briefly, but the anxiety returns.
In therapy, Mei Lin learned to name this pattern as anxious attachment. She practised grounding techniques, journaling her triggers, and challenging the automatic thought that distance means rejection. Over time, she could notice the anxiety without immediately acting on it—pausing before sending the fifth “Is everything okay?” message.
Jason: The Executive Who Shuts Down
Jason, 45, grew up in a family where “feelings are a distraction” and affection was shown mainly through providing and achievements. His father worked long hours; his mother managed the household with brisk efficiency. No one talked about emotions—they just got on with things.
Now a successful senior executive, Jason excels at work but struggles at home. When his wife wants to discuss their relationship or asks how he feels, he goes blank. “I don’t know what you want from me,” he says, genuinely confused. He might suddenly need to check emails or remember an urgent task.
Therapy was uncomfortable at first—Jason wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do there. But his therapist went slowly, helping him notice physical sensations first (tension in shoulders, tiredness) before connecting these to emotions. Gradually, Jason learned that his dismissive attachment style wasn’t who he truly was—it was an adaptation. He could build healthier relationships without losing himself.
Priya: All-or-Nothing Love
Priya, 28, grew up in a home with unpredictable outbursts and silent treatment. Her mother’s moods swung without warning, and Priya never knew if she’d come home to warmth or coldness.
As an adult, Priya finds herself drawn to intense, passionate relationships that feel “all-or-nothing.” She falls hard and fast, then feels terrified when things get close. She might push partners away with accusations or withdraw suddenly, then desperately try to reconnect. Her relationships often cycle through breakup and reconciliation.
Understanding disorganised attachment helped Priya make sense of patterns she’d previously called “crazy” or “dramatic.” With trauma-informed therapy, she’s learning to slow down, recognise when her nervous system is activated, and choose different responses. She’s currently in a relationship that’s calmer than any she’s had—and though part of her finds the calm suspicious, she’s learning to trust it.
How Insecure Attachment Shows Up Day-to-Day
Attachment isn’t just theory—it shapes everyday behaviour in texting, arguments, physical intimacy, co-parenting, and even workplace relationships.
Anxious Attachment Day-to-Day
Situation | Typical Pattern |
Texting | Constant checking; multiple follow-up messages; reading into response times |
Partner spends time with friends | Fear, jealousy, difficulty enjoying own activities |
Work during relationship tension | Difficulty concentrating; preoccupation with the conflict |
Conflict | Needs immediate resolution; can’t “leave it” until tomorrow |
Avoidant Attachment Day-to-Day
Situation | Typical Pattern |
Partner asks “How are you feeling?” | Blank response; changing subject; showing little emotion |
Relationship deepens | Finding flaws in partner; creating distance |
Conflict | Leaving the room; stonewalling; overworking to avoid |
Partner’s emotional needs | Labelling them as “too needy” or “dramatic” |
Disorganised Attachment Day-to-Day
Situation | Typical Pattern |
Relationship going well | Feeling anxious; waiting for it to fail |
After moments of intimacy | Sudden withdrawal; picking fights |
Conflict | Feeling numb then flooded; extreme reactions |
Trust | Difficulty believing consistent kindness is real |
These patterns often fuel anxiety, depression, burnout, and even physical symptoms like sleep issues, headaches, and gut problems. Many people seek therapy in Singapore and globally when these patterns become too painful to ignore.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Here’s the hopeful truth: while early experiences matter deeply, research since the 1990s consistently shows that attachment representations can and do change across the lifespan.
What Promotes Movement Toward Secure Attachment?
Supportive romantic partners who respond consistently and repair ruptures
Close friendships that offer safe connection and honest feedback
Effective therapy that provides a corrective relational experience
Healing communities such as faith communities, support groups, or neurodiversity-affirming spaces
The concept of “earned secure” attachment is key: experiencing at least one consistently trustworthy relationship in adulthood—whether a kind partner, mentor, or therapist—can significantly shift internal beliefs about safety and worth.
How Change Happens
Changes in attachment are usually gradual—measured in months or years, not days. They often involve:
Practicing new patterns during conflict (not just during calm moments)
Noticing old reactions without automatically following them
Building tolerance for discomfort (staying present when you want to flee or cling)
Developing a more coherent narrative about your childhood experiences
Research suggests 20-30% of people shift toward security through these processes, even without formal therapy. With therapy, those numbers improve significantly.
Remember: Your current attachment style is an adaptation to past conditions, not a personal failing. Self-compassion and patience are essential parts of the healing process.
Practical Tips If You Recognise an Insecure Attachment Style
These suggestions can complement therapy or serve as starting points for self-reflection. They’re based on evidence based techniques from attachment-informed and emotion-focused approaches.
Self-Awareness
Keep a brief “relationship log” noting:
Trigger: What happened? (e.g., partner was late)
Automatic thought: What did you tell yourself? (e.g., “They don’t care about me”)
Feeling: What emotion arose? (e.g., fear, anger, numbness)
Behaviour: What did you do? (e.g., sent angry texts, gave silent treatment)
Over time, patterns become visible, and visibility creates choice.
Body-Based Regulation
Your nervous system often knows you’re triggered before your mind does. Try:
Paced breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 6
Grounding: Notice 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste
Movement: A short walk, stretching, or shaking out tension
Calm your body before trying to resolve conflicts or seek reassurance.
Communication Skills
Use “I statements” to express needs without blame:
Instead of: “You never reply fast enough!”
Try: “I feel anxious when messages stop suddenly. Could we agree to update each other if we’re going to be busy?”
Improving communication starts with owning your experience rather than attacking your partner’s character.
Boundaries and Pacing
For anxious attachment: Practice waiting 10-30 minutes before sending follow-up messages. Build tolerance for uncertainty.
For avoidant attachment: Practice staying in difficult conversations 2-3 minutes longer than comfortable. Notice that you survive.
For disorganized attachment: Focus on safety first. Slow down new relationships. Don’t rush toward intimacy or away from it.
Learning Resources
Seek evidence based approaches through reputable psychoeducation, books on attachment (such as works by Amir Levine or Sue Johnson), and professional workshops.
When To Seek Therapy for Attachment-Related Issues
Consider reaching out to a registered counsellor or psychologist if you experience:
Repeated relationship breakdowns following similar patterns
Intense fear of abandonment that interferes with daily functioning
Difficulty trusting anyone, even when they’re consistently trustworthy
Emotional numbness or disconnection from your feelings
Signs of trauma: nightmares, flashbacks, hypervigilance, separation distress
Attachment issues often co-occur with anxiety, depression, burnout, and trauma from experiences like infidelity, abuse, sudden loss, or immigration stress.
How Therapy Helps
Therapy offers what many people didn’t receive in childhood: a safe, consistent relationship where old patterns can be explored without judgment. Through this process, you can:
Build new coping skills for emotional regulation
Process painful childhood memories
Improve open communication with current partners or family members
Develop a more coherent understanding of your history
Practice new relational patterns in a low-risk environment
The success rate for attachment-focused therapy is encouraging: research shows 70-75% of clients shift toward secure attachment in 12-20 sessions therapy.
Therapy Options
Depending on your situation, helpful modalities include:
Individual therapy sessions: Explore your patterns, history, and beliefs about relationships
Couples therapy: Work on relationship dynamics, rebuilding trust, and resolve conflicts together
Family therapy: Address intergenerational patterns and improve family communication
Trauma-focused approaches: EMDR, somatic therapy, or trauma-focused CBT for deeper wounds
Therapy can be in-person or online, which is especially helpful for busy professionals, parents, and clients with mobility or sensory needs.
How Redwood Psychology (Singapore) Supports Attachment Healing
Redwood Psychology is a private group practice in Singapore offering psychological therapy, speech & language therapy, assessments, autism early intervention, and organisational consulting. For adults, adolescents, couples, and families, many presenting concerns—relationship issues, anxiety, depression, trauma, neurodivergence-related stress—are deeply intertwined with attachment histories.
Attachment-Informed Services
Clinicians at Redwood use attachment-informed, trauma-sensitive approaches to help clients:
Make sense of childhood experiences and their impact on present relationships
Develop healthier relationship dynamics with partners, family members, and themselves
Build emotional connection and intimacy in ways that feel safe
Address communication breakdowns and repeated conflict patterns
Services particularly relevant to attachment work include:
Individual psychotherapy for adults and adolescents
Couples therapy sessions and marital counselling using evidence based approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy and Gottman-informed methods
Family sessions addressing intergenerational patterns
Early intervention and parent coaching for young children to support secure bonds from the start
For Organisations
Attachment principles also inform Redwood’s workshops and culture transformation consulting for organisations. Understanding how attachment shows up in leadership style, team dynamics, and psychological safety can help create stronger, more resilient workplaces.
Whether you’re supporting couples through relationship challenges or helping employees build healthier relationships at work, attachment awareness offers a powerful framework for change.
Supporting Children and Families: Building Secure Attachment Early
While adults can heal attachment wounds, there’s also tremendous value in prevention—supporting secure attachment in children from the earliest years.
Why Early Attachment Matters
Secure attachment in early childhood protects against later anxiety, depression, and behaviour difficulties. It supports resilience in school, peer relationships, and life transitions. Children who experience a secure base at home are more likely to explore the world with confidence and return to caregivers for comfort when distressed.
Services for Children and Families
Redwood Psychology provides:
Child therapy for emotional and behavioural concerns
Parent coaching to support more attuned caregiving
Speech and language therapy
Autism early intervention
Psychological assessments
All of these services can support more secure attachment by helping caregivers understand and respond to children’s needs more effectively.
Practical Suggestions for Caregivers
Maintain consistent routines that help children feel safe and predictable
Validate children’s feelings rather than dismissing them: “I see you’re upset. It’s hard when that happens.”
Repair after conflict by apologising and reconnecting when you’ve been harsh or unavailable
Seek professional help if your child shows persistent withdrawal, aggression, or severe separation distress
One of the most powerful ways to foster secure attachment in children is to support parents’ own mental health. When caregivers address their own anxious or avoidant patterns, they become more available and attuned to their children.
Looking After Yourself If You Grew Up With Insecure Attachment
If you’ve recognised insecure patterns in yourself while reading this article, you might be experiencing a mix of emotions—relief at finally having language for your experience, grief for what you didn’t receive, perhaps frustration or sadness.
Allowing Grief
For many adults, understanding attachment brings up mourning—grief for the support, attunement, and emotional disconnection they experienced as children. This grief is valid and important. It’s not about blaming parents (who often did the best they could with their own histories and resources). It’s about acknowledging what was missing.
Building Your Support Team
Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Consider building a “support team” that might include:
Trusted friends who can offer consistent connection
A romantic partner who is willing to grow alongside you
Supportive communities (faith groups, interest groups, peer support)
An attachment-informed therapist who can provide support and professional guidance
Self-Care Tailored to Your Style
If you’re anxious: Practice being with yourself kindly. Learn that you can survive uncertainty without immediate reassurance.
If you’re avoidant: Allow small moments of dependence. Notice that leaning on others doesn’t mean losing yourself.
If you’re disorganized: Prioritise safety above all. Pace change slowly. Seek professional help for trauma work.
A Hopeful Note
While we cannot rewrite the past, we can reshape how it lives in our bodies and relationships from now on. Every moment of awareness, every new response to an old trigger, every repair after a rupture is building something new. Strong relationships and strong foundations are built one interaction at a time.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Can I have different attachment styles in different relationships?
Yes. Attachment can vary depending on partner behaviour, life stage, and context. You might feel secure with close friends, anxious in romantic relationships, and avoidant at work. This is normal and reflects how attachment is partly relational—it depends not just on your history but on the dynamics of each specific relationship.
Is insecure attachment the same as having a mental disorder?
No. Attachment style is not a clinical diagnosis. However, long-term insecure attachment can increase vulnerability to conditions like anxiety, depression, and relationship difficulties. If you’re experiencing significant distress, therapy can address both the attachment patterns and any co-occurring mental health concerns.
How long does it take to move from insecure to more secure attachment?
There’s no fixed timeline. Some people notice meaningful changes within months of consistent work in therapy or a healing relationship. Deeper patterns often shift over years, especially when supported by both professional help and stable relationships. The key is progress, not perfection—even small shifts toward security can dramatically improve relationship satisfaction.
What if my parents did their best—should I still talk about childhood in therapy?
Absolutely. Exploring childhood in therapy is not about blaming parents. Even well-intentioned caregivers can be misattuned due to stress, illness, cultural pressure, their own trauma, or lack of support. Understanding your history helps you recognise patterns and make conscious choices, rather than being driven by unconscious programming. It’s about understanding, not condemning.
I’m in Singapore and my partner refuses therapy—can I still improve our relationship?
Yes. Individual therapy alone can significantly affect relationship dynamics. By changing your side of the pattern—how you communicate, set boundaries, and regulate your emotions—many couples experience noticeable shifts. The relationship is a system; when one part changes, the whole system responds. Clinicians at Redwood Psychology can help you work from the “inside-out,” supporting couples through individual work when joint sessions aren’t possible.
Take the Next Step
Understanding your attachment style is powerful—but insight alone doesn’t create change. If the patterns described in this article resonate with you, consider taking one small step today:
Reflect: Which attachment style do you most recognise in yourself?
Experiment: Try one practical tip from this article this week
Reach out: If these patterns cause ongoing distress in your life, book a consultation with a psychologist who can help
At Redwood Psychology (Singapore), our team of psychologists works with individuals, couples, and families navigating attachment-related challenges—from relationship issues and anxiety to trauma and communication breakdowns. Whether you’re seeking individual therapy sessions, couples therapy, or support for your child’s development, we’re here to help you build healthier relationships from the inside out.
Contact Redwood Psychology to learn more about our services or schedule an appointment—in-person in Singapore or online.
