Discernment Counselling in Singapore: A Guide by Redwood Psychology

Introduction: When You’re Unsure Whether to Stay or Leave

Few situations feel as isolating as standing at a crossroads in your marriage, unsure whether to fight for the relationship or walk away. If you or your partner have been circling the same painful conversations—one of you wanting to try, the other questioning whether there’s anything left to save—you’re not alone. Many couples experience conflicting desires at this stage, feeling torn between staying together and separating. This is exactly where discernment counselling comes in.

In Singapore, where cultural and family expectations can add complexity to marital decisions, discernment counselling offers a structured approach to clarity. Discernment counselling (also known as discernment counselling) is a short term process, typically spanning one to five sessions, designed specifically for couples on the brink of separation or divorce. Unlike traditional couples therapy, which assumes both partners are ready to work on the relationship, discernment counselling focuses on a different question entirely: Should we try, or is it time to let go? It’s a structured process designed to help you and your partner gain clarity about the path forward before committing to either direction.

This guide is written for couples in Singapore where one or both partners feel uncertain about the future—where honest conversations have stalled, and you find yourselves stuck in a painful limbo. At Redwood Psychology, our Singapore-based private practice offers discernment counselling both in-person and online, providing a neutral space for couples to explore options regarding their relationship future with professional support.

If you feel stuck or torn about your relationship, we invite you to consider booking a consultation to see if discernment counselling is suitable for your situation.

Key Terms: Glossary

• Discernment Counselling: A short-term, structured process (usually 1-5 sessions) designed to help couples on the brink of separation or divorce decide whether to try to repair the relationship, separate, or maintain the status quo.

• Mixed Agenda Couples: Couples in which one partner is uncertain or leaning toward leaving the relationship (“leaning out”) while the other wants to save it (“leaning in”).

• Leaning In: The partner who wants to preserve and repair the relationship.

• Leaning Out: The partner who is uncertain about staying or is considering ending the relationship.

• Co-Parenting: A collaborative approach to raising children after separation or divorce, where both parents remain actively involved in their children’s lives.

What Is Discernment Counselling?

Key Features of Discernment Counselling

Discernment counselling is a time-limited counselling process—typically one to five sessions—that helps partners decide between three options: trying to repair the relationship, separating, or maintaining the status quo for now. It is especially designed for mixed agenda couples, where one partner is “leaning out” (uncertain or wanting to leave) and the other is “leaning in” (wanting to save the marriage).

Discernment counselling offers a structured and supportive process for couples facing uncertainty, helping them evaluate their relationship options, gain clarity, and make informed decisions about whether to stay together or separate. When partners have such differing perspectives, jumping straight into couples therapy can feel unproductive or even coercive for the reluctant partner.

The primary goal isn’t to fix all your relationship issues in a handful of sessions. Instead, discernment counselling helps both partners develop a deeper understanding of what went wrong, how each contributed to the current situation, and what they genuinely want moving forward. It’s about making an informed decision rather than an impulsive one.

In Singapore, couples may seek discernment counselling when considering separation, divorce, or simply when they want to minimise future regret before making life-altering choices. Sessions typically combine brief joint conversations with longer individual segments, allowing each partner to speak freely without triggering defensiveness in the other.

Who Developed Discernment Counselling?

Discernment counselling was developed by Dr. Bill Doherty and colleagues, who recognised that traditional therapy often failed couples when one partner was already considering the exit door.

Discernment Counselling vs Traditional Couples Counselling

Understanding the difference between discernment counselling and marriage counselling is crucial for choosing the right support.

Traditional couples therapy operates on a fundamental assumption: both partners have decided they want to stay together and are ready to work on improving communication, rebuilding intimacy, and resolving issues. Sessions unfold over weeks or months, diving into specific conflicts and developing new skills. This approach works well when both partners share a clear agenda to repair.

Discernment counselling serves a different purpose. It’s for couples where one or both partners feel uncertain about whether therapy is even worth pursuing. Rather than jumping into problem-solving, the counsellor helps both partners explore whether they’re ready to commit to the hard work of repair—or whether a different path makes more sense. The focus remains on decision-making rather than relationship improvement.

Key Differences Between Discernment Counselling and Traditional Couples Therapy:

Aspect	Discernment Counselling	Traditional Couples Therapy
Purpose	To decide whether to repair the relationship, separate, or maintain the status quo	To improve and repair the relationship
Assumption	One or both partners are uncertain about staying together	Both partners are committed to working on the relationship
Duration	Short-term (1-5 sessions)	Longer-term (weeks to months)
Session Structure	Mix of joint and individual conversations	Primarily joint sessions
Focus	Clarity and decision-making	Problem-solving and skill-building
Outcome	Decision about next steps (repair, separate, or pause)	Ongoing work to resolve issues and strengthen the relationship

At Redwood Psychology, discernment counselling often leads to one of two transitions: couples move into structured couples therapy with clearer, mutually agreed goals, or they receive supportive counselling around separation. Either way, both partners leave the process knowing they made a thoughtful choice rather than a reactive one.

Importantly, discernment counselling protects the leaning out partner from feeling pressured into full-on therapy before they’re ready. This respect for individual autonomy often reduces resistance and creates conditions where genuine engagement becomes possible.

Transitioning from understanding the process, let’s explore the unique dynamics of mixed-agenda couples.

Mixed-Agenda Couples: “Leaning Out” and “Leaning In”

The concept of mixed agenda couples captures a common but painful dynamic. The leaning out partner feels uncertain or actively wants to leave. They may have emotionally disengaged, feel exhausted by years of conflict, or simply no longer see a future together.

The leaning in partner wants to save the relationship. They’re often desperate to try anything, terrified of losing their family, and confused about why their efforts haven’t worked.

Each partner experiences distinct emotional challenges. The leaning out partner often fears making a mistake they’ll regret, feels guilty about potentially hurting their family, and may resent feeling pressured into therapy they don’t believe in. The leaning in partner fears loss, feels rejected, and may swing between pleading and anger.

Traditional therapy can inadvertently make this worse. If the therapist pushes for reconciliation, the leaning out partner feels trapped. If they move too slowly, the leaning in partner feels abandoned.

Discernment counselling addresses this by giving each partner equal space through individual sessions where the counsellor helps both feel heard. Rather than teaming up with one side, the therapist validates both positions while maintaining focus on thoughtful decision-making. This approach reduces conflict and defensiveness, creating room for greater understanding of each other’s experience, including a deeper exploration of each partner's role in the recurring issues within the relationship.

Now that you understand the dynamics of mixed-agenda couples, let’s look at who is best suited for discernment counselling.

Who Is Discernment Counselling Suitable For?

Not every couple is the right fit for discernment counselling, and suitability is carefully assessed during the first session. The process works best when specific conditions are present.

Typical Situations Where Discernment Counselling Is Helpful

• One partner has seriously mentioned or considered divorce

• The couple has had repeated break-up conversations without resolution

• There’s significant emotional distance that previous efforts haven’t bridged

• Ongoing conflict has created a stalemate where both feel stuck

• One partner has checked out emotionally while the other desperately wants to reconnect

• Some couples feel the need to make decisions about their relationship immediately due to the intensity or urgency of their situation

Discernment counselling is designed for long-term committed relationships—married couples or de facto partners who share a life, home, or children. In Singapore, this includes couples married for five to twenty-plus years, dual-career couples navigating work stress, parents of young children or teenagers, and expatriate-local partnerships dealing with cultural complexities.

The process can help couples dealing with infidelity, loss of trust, chronic conflict, or fundamental value differences (about children, finances, caregiving responsibilities). It provides a framework for exploring these issues without the pressure to immediately “fix” everything.

When Discernment Counselling May Not Be Appropriate

• Casual dating relationships without significant shared commitments

• Situations involving ongoing intimate partner violence or active coercion

• Couples where a court has mandated a different service

• Relationships where one partner has already firmly decided on divorce

If there are safety concerns, such as family violence, Redwood’s clinicians will prioritise safety planning and may recommend different interventions before considering discernment work.

Understanding who can benefit from discernment counselling sets the stage for exploring how the process works in practice.

How Does Discernment Counselling Work at Redwood Psychology?

At Redwood Psychology, discernment counselling follows a clear structure while remaining responsive to each couple’s unique needs.

Steps in the Discernment Counselling Process

1. Session Structure

   • The process typically involves one to five sessions.

   • The first session runs longer (approximately 90-120 minutes), with follow-up sessions being shorter.

   • Continuation is decided session by session—neither partner is locked into a predetermined number of meetings.

     
     

2. Session Components

   • Brief Joint Segment: Both partners share updates and current feelings.

   • Extended Individual Conversations: Each partner meets separately with the therapist to discuss their hopes, fears, and contributions to the relationship dynamics.

   • Short Joint Wrap-Up: The couple reconvenes to clarify next steps and decide whether another session would be helpful.

     
     

3. Confidentiality and Consent

   • Sessions are confidential, culturally sensitive, and available in-person at our Singapore clinic or via secure online video for clients residing in Singapore.

   • Both partners must consent to the process, and both should attend the first session wherever possible.

     
     

Throughout the process, the therapist maintains strict neutrality. Their role is to support both perspectives without advocating for staying together or separating. The couple decides their path forward; the counsellor simply facilitates clarity and confidence in that decision.

Let’s now examine the three possible paths you may choose between during discernment counselling.

The Three Possible Paths: What You Will Be Choosing Between

Discernment counselling is organised around three clear options. By the end of the process, couples explore which path aligns with their situation.

Path	Description	Who It's For	Key Considerations
Maintain the Status Quo	Pausing major decisions while acknowledging relationship difficulties.	Couples who need more time before making a permanent decision.	Allows for continued reflection; not about pretending everything is fine.
End the Relationship with Clarity	Gaining clarity that separation or divorce is the right choice and planning a respectful exit.	Couples who agree that separation is best or cannot resolve core differences.	Focuses on reducing blame, planning co-parenting, and preparing for practical and emotional transitions.
Commit to a Time-Limited Repair	Both partners agree to pause separation talk and commit to intensive couples therapy (e.g., 6 months).	Couples who both genuinely want to try repairing the relationship.	Divorce is off the table during this period; requires mutual commitment to the process.

The final decision belongs to the couple, not the therapist. The goal is to reduce future doubt, second-guessing, and the painful “what ifs” that can haunt people for years after a major relationship decision.

With an understanding of the possible outcomes, let’s look at what happens in a typical session.

What to Expect From Discernment Counselling

Discernment counselling offers clarity and confidence, not guaranteed reconciliation. Setting realistic expectations helps couples engage meaningfully with the process.

You will not resolve every issue in a few sessions. Decades of relationship history cannot be untangled in five meetings. However, you should expect to gain a better understanding of what happened in your marriage and what each partner genuinely wants next. Many couples report finally understanding their partner’s contributions and their own in ways they couldn’t see while trapped in defensive cycles.

Both partners can expect to feel heard. This includes the partner unsure about staying—the counsellor helps balance the dynamic so neither person feels ganged up on or dismissed. Joint sessions ensure partners feel heard without the conversation devolving into familiar arguments.

Uncomfortable emotions will arise. Grief, anger, guilt, and fear are natural companions to this process. The therapist’s role is to help make these feelings manageable and constructive rather than overwhelming. Difficult conversations become possible when there’s skilled support.

Many couples report meaningful change in their communication patterns, even after just a few sessions. Conflict often decreases as both partners feel less defensive and more understood. Decision-making becomes more thoughtful and less impulsive.

If the couple decides to work on the relationship, they will enter into marriage counselling—a form of therapy that involves working with couples to improve communication and resolve conflicts with clearer goals. Having chosen Path 3 consciously, both partners tend to engage more fully, making treatment more focused and efficient.

If they choose separation, couples often feel more prepared. They can communicate with children, extended family, and legal professionals with greater calm. The process helps them avoid the scorched-earth approach that can damage everyone involved.

As you consider what to expect, it’s important to understand how complex relationship issues can intersect with discernment counselling.

Discernment Counselling and Complex Relationship Issues

Many couples seeking discernment counselling are also dealing with other significant challenges that impact their relationship. These issues are relevant because they can influence both the decision-making process and the dynamics within the relationship.

Couples may be navigating anxiety, depression, trauma, infidelity, addiction, or neurodivergence (such as ADHD or autism—neurodivergence refers to differences in brain function and behavior that are not considered typical, and can include conditions like ADHD or autism) that affects the relationship dynamics in significant ways.

Redwood’s clinicians integrate awareness of these factors into discernment work. Where appropriate, we may recommend parallel individual therapy, psychological assessment, or additional family support. For example, if one partner’s undiagnosed ADHD has contributed to chronic conflict, understanding this can shift the conversation from blame to problem-solving.

For couples with children or stepfamilies, the therapist considers co-parenting (a collaborative approach to raising children after separation or divorce) implications and child well-being throughout the discussions. Questions like “How would each path affect the children?” become part of the exploration.

Discernment counselling is not a substitute for legal advice. However, it helps clients work more constructively with lawyers, mediators, and other professionals by reducing emotional reactivity and increasing thoughtful planning.

With these complexities in mind, let’s explore how discernment counselling can help you avoid regret and make peace with your decision.

Avoiding Regret: Making Peace with Your Decision

One of the most significant benefits we see in discernment counselling is its remarkable ability to help you avoid future regret. Unlike traditional couples therapy, which we use to resolve relationship issues and improve communication, discernment counselling empowers you to gain a deeper understanding of your relationship dynamics and the factors that brought you to this crossroads. We provide you with a structured, supportive space to explore all your options, helping both you and your partner make an informed decision—whether to stay married, separate, or divorce—with clarity and confidence that comes from true understanding.

We ensure that you don't rush into life-changing decisions or leave important feelings unaddressed. Instead, we guide you forward knowing you have genuinely considered what serves you and your family best. Through discernment counselling, we help you process your feelings, understand both your own and each other's contributions to your relationship, and find peace with whatever path you choose together. This thoughtful approach we offer reduces the likelihood of lingering doubts or "what ifs," empowering you to move forward with greater self-assurance and emotional well-being as your life flourishes in whatever direction feels most authentic to you.

Now, let’s look at the specific benefits discernment counselling offers to couples in Singapore.

Benefits of Discernment Counselling for Couples in Singapore

Singapore’s fast-paced, high-pressure environment creates unique stresses on relationships. Long working hours, caregiving responsibilities for children and aging parents, and the financial pressures of living in one of the world’s most expensive cities can strain even strong partnerships. Discernment counselling work offers specific benefits for couples navigating these challenges.

Key benefits include:

• Clarity and confidence: Both partners move forward knowing they made a thoughtful choice, reducing the “did we try hard enough?” regrets that can linger for years.

• Reduced blame and hostility: By exploring each partner’s contributions without judgment, couples can discuss their situation without escalating into attacks.

• Greater understanding of patterns: Many couples finally see the relationship issues clearly, understanding how their individual behaviours created problematic dynamics.

• Preserved emotional well-being: Making an informed decision—rather than an impulsive one—protects both partners’ mental health during a stressful period.

For parents, the benefits extend to children. Couples who choose separation after discernment counselling typically develop better co-parenting plans, expose children to less conflict, and communicate more thoughtfully during and after the transition.

For couples who choose to work on the relationship, discernment counselling can help transition into effective therapy. Because both partners have consciously chosen Path 3, engagement tends to be higher and progress faster.

Case Examples:

Maya and Kevin had been married for twelve years with two primary school-aged children. Maya had emotionally withdrawn after years of feeling unheard; Kevin was desperate to save the family but felt helpless. Through discernment counselling, Maya explored her pattern of avoiding conflict until she exploded, while Kevin recognised how his defensiveness had shut down Maya’s attempts to connect. After three sessions, both chose Path 3, entering couples therapy with a shared commitment and clearer understanding of what needed to change. A year later, they reported meaningful improvements in their communication and connection.

Sarah and James reached discernment counselling after James disclosed an affair. Sarah’s trust was shattered; James was genuinely remorseful but uncertain whether the marriage could survive. Through individual conversations, both examined their contributions to the emotional distance that had grown before the affair. Ultimately, they chose Path 2—separation—but did so with less anger than they had expected. Discernment counselling helped them develop a respectful co-parenting plan for their teenage daughter, avoiding the bitter court battles they’d seen among divorced friends.

Discernment Counselling at Redwood Psychology (Singapore)

Redwood Psychology is a private mental health clinic in Singapore offering discernment counselling alongside individual, couples, and family therapy. Our mission centres on building resilience and providing client-focused care that respects each person’s unique circumstances.

Our clinical team includes qualified psychologists and therapists experienced in couples work, cultural diversity, and issues such as anxiety, depression, trauma, neurodivergence, and parenting stress. We understand that relationship difficulties often intersect with other challenges, and our counselling support reflects that complexity.

When needed, we integrate discernment counselling with other Redwood services:

• Individual therapy for personal growth and processing emotional state

• Autism or ADHD assessment if neurodivergence may be affecting relationship dynamics

• Parenting support for families navigating transitions

• Organisational support if work stress contributes to relationship strain

Sessions are available in-person at our Singapore clinic and via secure online video for clients residing in Singapore. Session lengths typically run 90-120 minutes for the initial meeting and 60-90 minutes for follow-ups. Fees are the same for online and in-person sessions.

We maintain strict confidentiality and a non-judgmental stance, respecting the diverse cultural and religious backgrounds common in Singapore. Whether you’re navigating expectations from extended family, balancing Eastern and Western values, or simply trying to make the best decision for your situation, our clinicians meet you where you are.

Let’s look at how we support families through co-parenting and the divorce path.

Co-Parenting: Navigating Parenting After Discernment Counselling

When you and your partner decide to separate or divorce, we understand that co-parenting becomes the cornerstone of your evolving relationship. We offer discernment counselling as a safe haven and structured pathway that addresses the emotional and practical challenges you face in co-parenting. During our sessions, we encourage you to share your feelings openly, explore your hopes for your children, and craft a co-parenting plan that places your entire family's well-being at its heart.

Through our discernment counselling process, you gain deeper insight into each other's perspectives and develop more effective communication about your children's needs. We help you build clarity and confidence in your decision-making, which reduces conflict and nurtures a truly collaborative approach to co-parenting. Ultimately, we empower your family to move forward after divorce with a robust foundation for cooperation, ensuring your children feel supported and secure as they navigate these times of change.

Divorce Path: Support for Couples Choosing Separation

When you and your partner recognize that separation or divorce may be your best path forward, we offer discernment counselling—a specialized support that we expertly distinguish from traditional couples therapy. Rather than working to repair your relationship, we guide you through the profound emotional landscape of ending a marriage.

Emotional Support and Clarity

Through our compassionate process, you gain deeper understanding of your individual contributions to the relationship and develop clearer vision for your personal future. We help you achieve clarity and confidence in your decision, empowering you to move forward without the burden of lingering regret or uncertainty.

Building a Positive Foundation

By addressing your most difficult feelings within our supportive environment, you can approach your divorce journey with greater compassion for yourself and each other. This approach not only transforms your individual experience but also creates the foundation for a more positive, stable environment for your children and family members as they navigate this transition alongside you. Together, we build the support you need to flourish through life's most challenging moments.

Taking the Next Step: Is Discernment Counselling Right for You?

If you’re wondering whether discernment counselling might help, consider these questions:

• Has one of us mentioned divorce or separation more than once?

• Do we feel stuck having the same argument without moving forward?

• Is one of us unsure while the other is trying to save the relationship?

• Have previous attempts at couples counselling felt unproductive because one partner wasn’t fully committed?

• Do we want to make a thoughtful decision rather than an impulsive one?

If you answered “yes” to several of these questions, discernment counselling is likely worth exploring.

To take the next step, contact Redwood Psychology to schedule an initial discernment consultation. You can reach us by WhatsApp Message, email, or through our website enquiry form. Either partner can initiate contact, but both will need to agree to attend discernment counselling for the first session.

Even at a painful crossroads, it is possible to make thoughtful decisions and move forward with clarity and self-respect. Whatever path you ultimately choose, discernment counselling can help you get there with greater confidence and less regret.